Two words: Sky Mall

This is either a practical joke gone wrong or the greatest idea since something awesome happened a long time ago. For anyone that has gotten bored enough in a plane long to actually read the safety pamphlet, you'll notice the magazine next to it that offers everything from 

 

Remote Controlled Tarantula 

to

Alien Gnome Bandits

They look like The Langoliers on meth

"let's go pawn this gnome, man, I'm hurtin' for a fix"

And, if ODC is your cup of tea, the try something from the Howard Hughes collection:

The Nano-UV Disinfection Scanner

you’ll never have to encounter living organic matter ever again!

Now, if I had to nominate something for the “Most Likely To Start A Marxist Revolution By Virtue Of Its Very Existence,” it is the Solafeet:

a $299.99 miniature tanning bed for your feet. As opposed to the sun which will tan your entire body for free. ::sniff, sniff:: Does anyone else smell yuppie burning?

How about the NoseAid

OK, Ok, we all know you’re a good parent, but admit it: all that blood coming out of your kid's nose jsut isn't your bag, man. Not only is it gnarly, but how are they gonna learn to be independent if you’re always helping him out? Not only will it wean your child off relying on “mommy” for help, but you’ll also teach him a valuable lesson: Most of life’s problems can be solved with a $25 clothespin. But NoseAid isn’t just for noses! I used it on my own arm to make sure I wasn't dreaming about this clearly awesome product (Read: you’re not)! Use it to hold a burned-down joint, or to pinch your narc friends if they threaten to tell the po-po that you’re using NoseAid to hold a burned-down joint! Hell, with NoseAid, using your fingers to pinch with is a thing of the past.

Speaking of using you hands: not anymore!  Wine Glass Holder Necklace (ugh)

Now we all know parties are fabulous, but always having to carry those ridiculous glasses  around everywhere? So offensive. Let the lower class hold things. Strap that beverage to your chest and maximize your hands' potential at any social function. This allows free handed masturbation as you drone on about your child's exclusive kindergarten, your trip to europe, or any self aggrandizing topic. Use a straw for extra class.

Alas, if this bombastic kitch is the begining of End-Stage Capitalism, I am glad I was able to have my readers the four of you get me something nice for next Christmas.

::AHEM::

Anyway, here's something for the masses:

Fuck, who needs 'cups' and 'tablespoons' when you can measure in T-Rex brains?!