Back with sack!

            It's been nine months since I last posted. I stopped, thinking that I was too sexy arrogant, that there were and are more important things than whatever you I had to say. I had always thought this, and basically, I talked myself off the ledge out of my own blog. The straw that broke the camel's back.
           But, I also knew some people laughed at me,  laughed at it, dare, ENJOYED themselves. It was the thought that eased the camel's mind.
          Now, I start it back up with a simple offering.
         So, suck on this bitches submitted for your approval:

I need a woman with real hyperbolic curves.

Hey Horatio, it looks like the brother and sister are innocent....

In Soviet Russia, Techno pop 'n' locks YOU!

Man on the moon, just in time for Tea.

One of the First Space Station Concepts Was Made of Brick

In 1869, Atlantic Monthly writer E. Everett Hale imagined what a space station might look like. I see lots of brick, but given NASA's bugdet cuts, it's all they can afford. ohhh hits you right in the manifold.

Steampunk Guns will blow your mind...from your skull.

Gone are the halcyon days when I use to fawn over the slightest thing steampunk. But, then, came the eternal September of wanna-be's gluing gears together or attaching nonfunctional brass tubing to a computer and passing it off as the real thing. So, normally I ignore "steampunk" news but in this case ::swoon:: these guns actually shoot.

It shoots at such a velocity that they can penetrate cardboard at a respectable distance:



This is Black Betty and shoots ping pong balls and confetti paper, the latter of which can be lit up to throw fire! oooo my caveman genes just got goosebumps

--

This blunderbuss shoots rubber balls. Cool, but if it the ammo was meatballs, they could shoot me. Aim for the mouth! (thats what she said)

My train of thought has been delayed, not derailed.

its been a week; special thanks to "Daddy's princess" at work. She's on the rampage, angry about something, maybe they changed the type of feed they put in her trough.

Warning: unapologetic, yet necessary pedantry ahead.

How do you correct someone who is wrong? This happenes to me alot, not because I am usually right (uhhhhh), but because the person talking to me (Read: you.) has said something that is not true. Not like 2+2=5 not true, more along the lines of your mom's not a whore reapeating an urban myth and passing it off as true, like at a cocktail party and to a group of sheep receptive people no less. That just makes it worse. You know what I do....? Nothing, not anymore. I use to correct people on the spot. I also use to not any have friends, either. I changed when I realized I'm not getting paid to teach your dumb ass. Plus, I i tell you correctly, not only will you throw a drink in my face be turned off in playing spin the bottle Trival Pursuit with me, I then won't be able to kick you ass in it. Also, if it is a party so boring to the point that someone is watching Jeopardy, especially in the main room, then you will be armed with the power make women moist and win bets . I once won a bet to have a guy be my yard slave for a weekend on a question about the Emancipation Proclamation.
 I'll take Irony for 500, Alex.
 Knowledge is power and power is win!

Something for the masses:

Holy Crap from Holy Cows.

PETA wants Punxsutawney Phil to be replaced with robot.

 nom nom nom Sorry PETA I couldn't hear you over the sound of me eating my bucket of KFC. (Feeling up the breast counts as 'second base')
       But, it is true: Crulety = delicious. In that case, PETA ad campains suffer us enough to be the new Iron Chef. Today, chefs, the secret ingredientis: Irony. BAM! Take that, Emeril!

where was i? oh yeah

What!? Usurp the meteorological prognosticator of pognosticators with a robot! If this werent already Sparta, it would be madness!

     Its thoughtless decisions like this that lead to bigger problems, like oh I don't know SKYNET!

    Robot apochlypse, people! It's true; look it up, it was on Fox news. You know, Fair and balanced, and in on the whole thing from the start.

  "Well, daddy, did he see his shadow? Will there be 6 more weeks of winter?"

"No, little Johnny but he did see the fall of man with 6 years of nuclear winter."

I hope your PEW PEW tastes like chicken, PETA.

Some things...

     Since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV, there’s been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently many of the terrorists didn’t realize what a virgin looked like.

God bless ya, mum.





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      If anything, its better than the live-action prequels and in a few aspects, it has what you deserved to see in those prequels but were COMPLETELY denied.
      Mind you, this is a 3D animated series based on a 2D animated series based on a Prequel series which was based on the Original - so its 4x-removed and stands alone on its own. It's like difference between masturbating in the shower versus masturbating in the bed: even though, you're going through the motions, it's just not the same. 


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I bet you can really taste the aids.












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Here's something for the masses:
(I totally know what this feels like: Noodle rave.  n-ts, n-ts, n-ts, n-ts)

A couple of things, literally.

Invention makes Macs run on new OS: Pretensious Irony 2.0

MacBooks have a sleeve now called the BookBook. For $80 (total gouge), this case "transforms your MacBook into an antique-style leather-bound book."

Transforms!? Well, if I take the cover off, does it turn back into a mac because all my porn is on that thing! Ironiclly, it's vintage porn. Don't judge me; sound and color cause me to lose my "focus."

Regardless, I want mine to be the cover of the bible, not that I am religious, I am just making sure noone will steal it.

This Vintage Book Is Your New MacBook Pro Case

---------

I discovered this site while falling asleeping at the computer beating the end boss of the internet. Hit the link to laugh, cry, cry some more, and have your dreams haunted with things that cannot be unseen.

http://www.sadanduseless.com/

Here's something for the masses:

Someone been sleeping in my bed!

A warm bed really is awaiting you at Holiday Inns in Britain. Now, that have a actual member of their staff pre warm your bed.

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE60K50020100121


And you know what: Finally.

Finally, you can have it without going to the trouble of getting someone to stay the night, paying for an the akward breakfast, or leave money on the dresser.

What do you mean it was $60?!
Fine, but you only get the other $30 when you stop asking!

So, I hope noone catches sleeping them on the job!
::chricket chipers::
...its ok, I hate me too.


Either way, I hope noone leaves their "carbon footprint" in the bed. ::pulls blanket over head:: DUTCH OVEN!

Come for laughs, Stay for the akwardness!

ok, back to basics with some "entertainment" news:

I have omited Theater and Radio catagory this round because they are actually doing the opposite by being dignified and awesome(usually) at the same time(usually).

Movies:

       Marc Webb is directing the next disappointment Spider-Man. It's a reboot cuz raimi and the cast are too busy choking on cock working on something to continue on. Webb is director of the indie movie "500 Days of Summer".

       Also, he has the last name Webb, this makes his Spider-Man competence unquestionable to direct this movie. My hopes that Webb are that he doesn't try to convince us Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a high school kid because he isn't, and that it won't be really shitty.

        That sets the bar perfect for a comic book movie: pretty low. So, it just might manage to make this reboot ranked at least among the top four Spider-Man films of all time.

Ohhh My favorite part where Spiderman fights a fat kid for the last Pringle!

TV:

     There is this "show" on TV called Guido Beach Jersey Shore and it has a hooker "person" on it named "Snooki." She lent them her shamelessness celebrity to a car dealership, so they could  push inventory sell cars and have some of the earnings go to Haiti. SOME? That's awfully generous of a used car dealer; no, seriously, it's awful. I cry not from your actions, but from the fumes of your audacious bullshit.

     However, they almost couldn't get her because of the precautions needed for the surrounding community should Snooki go into heat and start "presenting." Anything less than a tank and you're fucked. (pun intended)

I got mine!

OH shit, she loose!

 
 

 

MUSIC:

Heidi Montag's album sells less than 1,000 copies
(ahem)
BAHAHAHA

Hmmm, well at least the packaging on the CD is nice, er uh I mean Who took my man-album of power tools sounds and meat frying?!

Ahhh there we are...

Mix Media:

Brittany Murphy (yeah that one), her off-the-hook beneficiary husband Simon Monjack appeared on national tv addressing accusations that Brittany died of a drug overdose only to then point the blame at Hollywood for the stress of not casting her in Happy Feet 2.

::blinks::

Well, if anyone had any doubts that Simon is on drugs himself, he just went on national television and said his wife died at 32 because she couldn't be a dancing penguin.

Pff, I don't O.D. for anything less than losing the role of a hard-boiled detective cartoon rabbit. "Mehh, what's up, dic."

 I had that audition down, damn it!










Here's something for the masses:

NO Fixed web address: homeless people blog, twtter. NOW WITH PREACHY RANT!!

Connecting with people to connect with the world,

or,

inappropriate to the basic needs of a human.

Sharing technology to connect with people that might never experience it,

or,

 showing them a fleeting experience that mocks their current conditions.

    An original, provacative social commentary alluding to the fact that it is easier to get them internet, then food, clean water, and shelter.

(RANT ALERT)

    Either by side-effect or design, technology allows us to maintain our humanity: Thick patches of technology buckling together the layer of civilazation.

    That layer being thin enough to be see-though, mind you (you know what hell is under there)
And, just cuz it is thick, doesnt make it sturdy (that's what she said).


        I hear bleeding hearts and gun-toters alike quip -like they invented it- "One day our humanity will surpass its technology." Albert Einstein Some dead guy a long time ago wrote that and you know it, so just keep your bumper-sticker motivation to your self. Or, better yet, sell your yuppie-mobile and buy that homeless guy food for a year. Surely, not going to starbucks for day can at least get they guy a better cardboard box.

Action is Movtivation that works, folks.
I just made that up.
I should be in the bummber sticker business. hurrrrr
/rant
 

here's something for the masses:

 

Forget Twitter; homeless have bigger problems

Day 3 with Day 4cuz I don't let THE MAN get me down.

Most people have to put up with multiple channels of bullshit when at their jobs. In my case, all of my bullshit is manifest in a single, concentrated source; of which causes a delay in my posting, seemingly only on Mondays.

And, if anyone cares (you should, its on the test) The good news is GREAT NEWS! But,  I can't tell you yet, so.....eyahhh, akward. BUT, with the good news comes the hastily assembled well prepared finally-its-over wrap-up of the made-up 3rd annual WWWWHWtf Week!!

We start with "When the fuck"

So, when the fuck is this a good idea?:

I don't know what is worse: the smile of the dad, or the murderous scowl of the child demon.

---

and, this?:

"Take the plunge!"

 "bulls-eye!"

"It's the NARWHAL!"

::sighs::

===============

It's the black sheep of the group: "How?"

So, how the fuck did this happen?

Does God throw forks now?

or this:

don't gimme that "accident" crap, you have to be practicely aiming to fail that hard.

===================

Why, why, why....

Why the fuck is this on the air?

They would have called it "Guido Beach" but that is an actual town in Jersey.

---

Why the fuck are you still having kids!?!?!

I said it with Jon and Kate, I said with The Duggars:

It's a vagina, not a clown car.

=======================

Now, in conlusion, "What the fuck" is the one that started them all. Being that it is very common, most have seen a good example. So, here is another casual example of:

What the fuck is going on?

There were tons more pics I had ready but, the free version of this site only allows X mbs of data per page. Sounds like a bunch of shit to me, but if you click on the whorish ads i have up, then I can afford to upgrade...just for you, awwwww.

Here's something for the masses:

KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

Help Haiti, Save Conan, and Day 2 of WWWWHWTF week!: The Where

Lots going on in the world; my thoughts, prayers, and, more effective, my money goes out to the Haitians.

Conan? ehh, he'll be alright, even though he got a raw deal. It wasn't completly lenos fault, just mostly. Don't forget the Jack Donaghy-wannabe executive ball-lickers at NBC who, in keeping with their male egos, tried to keep 2 girlfreinds, but lost the better one because they couldn't let go of the old one. Good Job Jimmy Kimmel.

Anyway, It's "where the Fuck" day and I must admit, it is the weaker of the days, but damn it I can't get within a 100 ft of lie to my readers. So, I'll let you take off your clothes be the judge:

where the fuck are the parents?...

posing for the camera! yay!

Where the fuck was I?...

oh yeah, I was in the green mask.

Where the Fuck is this?...

The Large Hadron Collider!

(black hole or dividing by zero, i guess we'll never know.)

Special thanks to PhilBill, at Pictureunrelated.com

and here's something for the masses:

(Thanks to Lindsey who showed me where real preggers bath...wisconsin.)

You see things and ask, "Why?; I see things and ask, "Wtf?"

I have had some very good news yesterday that I hope with turn into life-altering news next week. No not it's not a mutation again, but CLOSE! ::ding:: thank you for playing.

So, as I stew with impatience on the impending let-down glory! that awaits next week, I declare this week: WWWWHWTF week!
                 (Who, What, Where, When, How, Why)
Armed with the etiquette that only a professional nobody can demonstrate, I shall continue to sift through the wonders of the internet, in theme, because I have nothing better to do  I consider it my duty to please that booty to show you only the worthiest of time wasters.


So, today we will start with "Who the Fuck", as in who the fuck thought this would work:

#7 is pornographic because the person doing the "comforting" is totally straddling the dying dude, perhaps Shakespeare's "dying."

And, Yes; "place newspaper over head" is fantastic advice. No better radiation shield than 20 layers of newsprint(Read: Sarcasm).

very special thanks to [ mappeal ] for the pick
I like to cite my sources as best possible when i find things original and rare, both attributes themselves hard to find on the internet.

Save Conan

I know its a cop out of sorts, and even with stuff  planned off the top of my head, it is worthy of jsut this simple protest.



Save Conan.


here's something for the masses:

::music:: I touched a girl and I liked it...

SKIP THIS INTRO IF YOU WORK WITH ME

Sorry about the Monday delay, the Boss has 2 daughters: the nice one and the absence-of-nice one; I work with the latter.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she has the capacity to be civil, but she is not to me and that is all that matters. Don't worry, I'm not gonna flame her on the interwebz like some 12 yr old 4channer, but since she does cause me to miss entries here and it is still illegal to darken the sky with someone's ashes, I will have to just tolerate her like a tumor named Marla (if I had a tumor).

OK YOU CAN READ NOW

If your anything like other people me, you have imagined what it's like racked up a lot of sex over the years, so thank yous excuses are par for the course. And, since women and men are masters at communication when it comes to each other sexual wants and needs, I seem almost out of place putting up this IMO list of  lies reasons the other is laughing not in the mood.

The big one is fatigue.
No not from you being awesome, but from you being NOT awesome. oh, she is tired...of you. Here: if you had a dog that demanded that you pet it before you could go to sleep every night, you would begin to hate the dog. So, if the dog then started to hop on top, put its penis inside of you and maw you like a blind Pooh bear with a honey jar, (Oh bother) then you would kill that dog. So, people, unless it is the end of the world, heed this two words: DOWN BOY!


Next, it seems is the her retort of being on her period.
This is why paying attention in biology class AND in the bathroom pays off. Now, if it is her period, unless you guys are...really really comfortable with each other, then the pool is closed; but, if not, then this is more of an emotional sign. Instead of you sucking, she thinks she does. This is one owie that CAN be healed by applying chocolate to (Read: chocolatey skinned knee)


Another one is that she is not comfortable with or is not ready for that.
This is a sign of class, or she buying time until she decides your the kind of troll she wont mind so much awkwardly waking up next to. Now, if this something taht arises farther into a relationship, then you get nothing and like it! Haha, just kidding, she is just not done calculating the pain to pleasure ratio yet on whatever your 12yr old mind has conjured up, you pervert.



This next one that is hard to overcome: "I'm married."
 Damn it! Total. waste. of. roofies. You know you saw the ring, and just cuz it looks like one that comes out of the vending machine, doesn't mean they really didn't use it in the wedding.
Honestly, avoid the 'taken;' they have a high risk of having a closet-case guido-wannabe spouse who jsut happened to be out at the same bar picking up chicks(or dudes). Why? cuz he didnt read my blog (maybe he can't read....::single tear::)



This next one I use to here alot: "but you have no money."
Eyah, this one is kind of a deal breaker. Way above your pay-grade, son! But hey at least you know, up-close, what to avoid in the future.

*This excuse is not to be confused with "But you have to pay, first."
which means you have either solicited a prostitute or the check has not cleared for your mail-order bride.



and finally, albeit for some a bit uncouth: Odor.
Ladies, ladies, ladies please. I did not take extra, graphic notes in Anatomy class to be outdone by a small detail of insecurity. If I maybe permitted to speak in metaphors, if a mouse truly catches a bit of cheese, it does not last. Nay, it is easily gone within hours. You'll be glad to know taht it is scientifically proven, any lingering impropriety can be dispelled with a round of self-arousal. (aheam) fellas: the holy grail. Here is a chance to be sensitive AND sexual.

and now something for the masses:

Two words: Sky Mall

This is either a practical joke gone wrong or the greatest idea since something awesome happened a long time ago. For anyone that has gotten bored enough in a plane long to actually read the safety pamphlet, you'll notice the magazine next to it that offers everything from 

 

Remote Controlled Tarantula 

to

Alien Gnome Bandits

They look like The Langoliers on meth

"let's go pawn this gnome, man, I'm hurtin' for a fix"

And, if ODC is your cup of tea, the try something from the Howard Hughes collection:

The Nano-UV Disinfection Scanner

you’ll never have to encounter living organic matter ever again!

Now, if I had to nominate something for the “Most Likely To Start A Marxist Revolution By Virtue Of Its Very Existence,” it is the Solafeet:

a $299.99 miniature tanning bed for your feet. As opposed to the sun which will tan your entire body for free. ::sniff, sniff:: Does anyone else smell yuppie burning?

How about the NoseAid

OK, Ok, we all know you’re a good parent, but admit it: all that blood coming out of your kid's nose jsut isn't your bag, man. Not only is it gnarly, but how are they gonna learn to be independent if you’re always helping him out? Not only will it wean your child off relying on “mommy” for help, but you’ll also teach him a valuable lesson: Most of life’s problems can be solved with a $25 clothespin. But NoseAid isn’t just for noses! I used it on my own arm to make sure I wasn't dreaming about this clearly awesome product (Read: you’re not)! Use it to hold a burned-down joint, or to pinch your narc friends if they threaten to tell the po-po that you’re using NoseAid to hold a burned-down joint! Hell, with NoseAid, using your fingers to pinch with is a thing of the past.

Speaking of using you hands: not anymore!  Wine Glass Holder Necklace (ugh)

Now we all know parties are fabulous, but always having to carry those ridiculous glasses  around everywhere? So offensive. Let the lower class hold things. Strap that beverage to your chest and maximize your hands' potential at any social function. This allows free handed masturbation as you drone on about your child's exclusive kindergarten, your trip to europe, or any self aggrandizing topic. Use a straw for extra class.

Alas, if this bombastic kitch is the begining of End-Stage Capitalism, I am glad I was able to have my readers the four of you get me something nice for next Christmas.

::AHEM::

Anyway, here's something for the masses:

Fuck, who needs 'cups' and 'tablespoons' when you can measure in T-Rex brains?!

This just in: James Cameron invents a new way to make you Emo.

Most people my social worker know i love to see movies, but I have not see Avatar yet, because i spent all my holiday money on hookers and blow helping the poor. So having not seen Avatar, nor experienced the world of  Pandora, I can fully let my readers (Read:you four) read the following and do the judging...before I do.

There's a forum now up for people deal with the depression they are experiencing because Pandora isn't real.

Original Poster: I recently read on the Avatar TypePad Blog, that people are becoming depressed because of the movie. People are realizing that the dream can't actually come true. I was trying to start a thread where people gave ideas on how to cope with it, as in reading Avatar stuff, Writing ( about avatar of course), painting, or whatever.
Person Coping:
After I watched Avatar at the first time, I trully felt depressed as I "wake" up in this world again.
So after few days, I went to cinema and watched it again for the second time to relieve the depression and hopeless feeling.
Now I listen to the soundtrack and share my views in this forum. It really helps.
Person Offering Advice:
Start living like Neytiri: in touch with nature, the environment, and not being greedy and wasteful. Pass on the burger, for something more healthy for you and less cruel to animals. Spend your time on this forum, or volunteering in your free time, instead of getting high or drinking, twiddling your thumbs, being apathetic and complaining about how bad the world is. Don't get swept away by the wave of negativity, live your dream. Your life has only two switches, to shine or not to shine. There is no "apathy" setting. If you're on apathy setting you might as well sign your world away to destruction. When you get discouraged by everyone around you, be courageous like Jake, and jump on the leonopteryx. Be the change you want to see in your world. There are only so many people on this earth, the more of them that are doing positive things, the less of them that are out there doing negative things. It's unfortunate that we live in a world where, just by pulling a trigger or making a corporate decision, one single greedy human being can wipe out the hard works of love of many people. But this is why we need to stop focusing on money and start focusing on our environment. Because we have the intelligence to kill ourselves, but not the wisdom to stop it. What will our money buy, when everything that is worth having is destroyed? The only way you can fill the emptiness you feel after this movie, is to jump on the leonopteryx.

 Of course Pandora's real, it jsut resides inside the head of James Cameron. So, bring me the head of James Cameron and I will solve all your problems!


So, for those that have not seen avatar,

here is something for the masses:

(My special thanks to the guy at comicremix.com who can read my mind)

I love the smell of pwnage in the morning...smell like victory.

I thought this was funny, but some of you might not "get it", and coming from me that is saying something. So here you go, if only to confuse you.

.

and of course something for teh masses:

I seemingly have nothing to say today.
Oh wait, nevermind.

Even though this is old news for me, to my followers you four guys I want to tell you about this twitter I found while casually browsing for porn the internet: twitter.com/Shitmydadsays

The title of the feed cannot be more the truth; this is literally shit this guy's dad says.

         The dad is old, curmudgeony, and Awesome. So awesome, in fact, that it has been picked up as a CBS sitcom. So, now other networks have begun clicking around the interwebz' various social sites for other grumpy old men that will kill the audience in a lolocaust of ratings gold. That's right, basement dwellers; put out down that 4chan and get to posting every witism that your disaffected grandparents say. Don't forget to write down the verbal gems about how Viagra somehow helps changing. "Changing what, grandpa?" "Depends!"
ha ha ow, my sides.

Here's something for the masses:

God, if you're there, could you please DAMN THIS for me?

Ok ok...ok. I know this is rantish. ok fine f- it, its a rant, but it is more of a public service rant.
::ahem::

My existence has no room to excuse people who would bring children to a rated R film. Hey, hey now, don't get me wrong; I'm all for corrupting the young (it improves there social surivival skills, that's a later post) but, Jesús Freerunning Christo, people!; I'm trying to watch a fucking movie. No, literally there's fucking in the movie. And, you brought your kids? Yay, whoo hoo, I'm a cool parent!-yeah no.

Even the movie couldn't be as disturbing, more importantly annoying, than seeing an entire family, 5 children under the age of 11, enter the theater to see something that the 11 yr old should not see until they are at least 13. The ratings are there to list off what is in the movie, not how many kids to bring in. Ok, fine, you want to shell out money so your little Vinnies and Debbies can enjoy Saw VI; then RENT IT. (Saw VI? really?) Too cheap to get a babysitter? Then maybe you should of spent some money on condoms or kept it in your pants that many years ago rather than give me another reason to hate people.

Speaking of, my inner social worker kicks in right about the time the wimpy kid or babies start crying. I walk down to them and stand in front of them. I figure if you're the reason I can't hear the movie, I'll be the reason you can't see the movie. And, then after that, I'm the one management tells to leave. Fine, but I'm getting free refills on the way out.


Here's something for the masses:

Where the fuck have I been....busy trying my ass off.

        Kids scream in the background like a couple of politicians over health care; like sands through the hourglass, so are my kids running down the hall; can't get anything done. Gah!
Only have myself to blame for having kids cuz if I didnt have them,  the Dugers would have. And, they have enough on their plate social stunting their own brood.


Still don't know how this blog will turn out. On the one hand, I have the audacity to think people want to hear me out. Then on the other hand, I know Im better than half the drivel out there. OK, maybe less than half.

Until i make up my mind, I'm just gonna post the shit I find, the shit that is relevant, and shit that is only wrong if you laugh at it.

Ill start with a duo team of game bloggers: http://lucysdiamondsky.blogspot.com/
Hilarious and Honest, it makes you want to enjoy the game not just play them.


Speaking of games, here is one you have to play. And, if you dont want to, it probably means you are in it.

 

I was gonna put "Woman in floral MooMoo" and "Man in tight fatigues" but I ran out of room.

Coming Soon, a Target version; we're I your mom am the free space!